Confessions
of a Three-Legged Sheep
A
journey begins with one
step. The mind that brought
us this obvious bit of wisdom
didn’t bother to mention
that the first step for
many is more of a stumble.
I began my journey as a
newly reborn Israelite with
all the grace of a three-legged
sheep. I have, however,
remained determined to see
this race to the end.
It
is my desire to have my
name written in the book
of life with something akin
to a magic marker on a new
sofa.
So
on I go learning to unlearn.
Striving to find a way to
blend my southern upbringing
with my recently found Hebraic
heritage. Trying to mix
the proverbial oil and water.
I have become the poster
child for persons lacking
the required Israelite social
and cultural graces.
That
being said, it occurred
to me that I might help
other socially inept, fledgling
Israelites, like myself,
avoid some of the embarrassing
moments that I have come
to know and love. Following
is a short list of some
of the more useful information
that I have been blessed
with.
Never return the “Shabbat
Shalom” greeting with “Ram-a-Lam-a
Ding-Dong”. It just ain’t
Kosher.
The plural for Rabbi, is
not Rabbit.
Wearing your Tallit in the
buffet line will result
in stains that a blowtorch
won’t get out.
A kippah worn without Velcro
will run more laps around
your head than a high school
track team.
Hearing the Dreidel song
more that ten times in any
one hour will result in
irreversible brain damage.
Matzo balls have absolutely
nothing to do with insect
extermination.
If someone says to you,
“Shalom Alechim”, you’re
supposed to say “Alechim
Shalom”, which is Hebrew
for “right back at ya.”
Never ask your Rabbi for
straightforward, simple,
concise answers to your
questions. They simply don’t
exist.
Not trimming the edges of
your beard will result in
small children following
you around in Wal-Mart during
the month of December.
If you notice your pet cat
starring intently at your
Tzitzit, prepare for the
fight of your life.
Dreidel’s left lying around
on the furniture will probably
end up being surgically
removed.
Avoid the urge to make a
wish and blow out the Menorah.
Don’t bring Boones Farm
wine if you are trying to
impress your hostess for
the Shabbat service.
Early attempts at blowing
the Shofar will sound like
someone strangling a sick
cow. No matter how awful
it sounds, say the required
“Au mein” and offer a weak
golf clap.
Repress the urge to horse
laugh every time you are
asked to read scripture
verses containing the name
“Shelomoh”. You’re setting
a bad example for your grandchildren.
Spending eight days of quality
time together during Hanakkuh
will cause some of the older
members of the family to
manifest demons.
I
hope you will find these
Hebraic Hints helpful. In
the meantime, I’ll keep
striving to become the Martha
Stewart of the Israelite
world.
Shalom,
Ya’ll
Don “Avraham” Franklin
